I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
