I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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