I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
