I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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