mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
