I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
