careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
