i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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