take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
