Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
