She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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