Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
