I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You took a bar mat shot.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
