That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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