We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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