I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
