and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
