I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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