I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
