There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
