If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
