I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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