oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
