I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
