So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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