i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
