Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
