Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You are the jesus of drinking
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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