Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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