I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
