FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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