I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize