why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
