Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
