4 words: hood of his car
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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