I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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