Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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