Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
