Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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