you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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