Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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