so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize