please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
