His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
FUCK WHALES
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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