I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
