Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
