Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
