like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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