now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
whose parrot is this?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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