If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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