Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
