Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
