omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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