dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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