I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
